conscious forgetting & remembering

CleanSlate

today, i woke up around 5:30 in the morning because someone from work was ringing me and wants me to do a morning instead of an afternoon shift. and i intentionally didn't pick up. waking up at 10:00, four and a half hours later, i still feel so tired.

the past few weeks have been rough for me and because i am very poor in handling stress, which i recently developed, i tend to vent it out on other people and that makes it messy.  

in high school, one of my friends said i am not a leo, that i was more of a cancer. and i agreed. lately though, my leo traits are surfacing and it's quite strong that it overwhelms me. i am not very sociable and i work best when i'm alone. i am very particular with boundaries and i hate it when people cross it. it's like i automatically shoo them away when they've crossed it. shoo them away in a really mean way. i love my space and feel safe inside. and i'll stay inside for as long as i want.

my boyfriend and i have been fighting over the fact that i am so private. it amazes him that even if we've been together for 6 years now, it seems like he doesn't know me at all. i don't talk much. that's why i write. i am not confrontational either and i am definitely not good in fighting. when i feel rotten, i go online and open up my tabulas. and when he sees me typing away on tabulas, it's a sure sign something's not fine. he said he'll never know what's wrong if i won't tell him. he's right. i know that. but sometimes, i just don't want to talk. that's stubborn, i know. but that's me.  

there are also good things about me, i know. i am not all 'leo'.

CleanSlate

exhausted

   from work

tired: of him

whinning

   about what looks like my bad luck

done

   competing for you time

   and trying to be your priority

no

   even if you say i am

clearly, it's a no

over

   the fighting

   the pretending there's nothing wrong

   the overlooking what's here

thinking

   what to do?

asking

   why?

   what happened?

looking

   for reasons and answers

   and meaning

trying

   to be numb

   to work things out

hiding

   the truth

bizaare feeling

  that this is worng

scared but wants to

  end it

dead scared

nursing the pain.

hoping. still hoping. not wanting to waste.

CleanSlate

one of my classmates in senior year in high school said that the person we will end up with is 98% like our dad. she was quite determined to find the 2% and marry him. she expressed obvious dislike for her father. i don't know what happened to her since then.

*** 

it's not that i hate my dad. it's just that his shortcomings outweigh his strengths. and i don't want a repeat of history.

i don't want you to be like him. i'm really scared and worried because right now, i think i can already tell...

and if you turn into him, i might hate you and i don't want that.

***

one more thing, i don't think i'm like your mother!

i am your 2%.

CleanSlate

i don't want to be selfish.

***

i am full of uncertainty that i am actually getting used to it. the gray space, the not knowing, the mystery, the paranoia, the over-the-edge-thinking...everything is something i have learned to cope with.

i am not sure anymore of how i feel for him. it is a strong statement but it's no longer the same for me. the chills running down my spine when he looks at me, the electric current when he's holding my hand, the rush of blood to my face when he tucks hair behind my ear, all those moments are gone. it's an entirely different thing now. i think we've or i've reached that point when i am tired and i just want to be as straightforward as possible. 6 1/2 years is a long time. i used to do all the chasing, loving, showering him with every ounce of affection and now, i feel empty. Maybe because the feeling wasn't mutual before or maybe because the favor wasn't returned or maybe because his efforts aren't good enough for me.

maybe i'd just like what a long term relationship really offers, which is companionship, a listening ear, a sympathetic heart. And the thing is, he can't always give me those thins. i tell him how i feel and he says i'm wrong, that i shouldn't feel that way. i share with him what happened during work and he sides with every character in my story except me. i tell him how my day went and he "listens" holding his psp in his hand, his eyes fixed on the tiny monitor, busy killing a monster in his own world. i mean, what's that? Is it being overly familiar? Is it being too complacent? Is this the real world? Is it starting to take each other for granted? Is it me being too sensitive? Or is it him being too insensitive? 

***

in the deepest corners of my heart, i don't really know.

i am so scared that i don't want to tell my friends that i am feeling this way. everyone thinks we have the greatest love story. but i don't think that's the case now. it's just so overwhelming.

but i also know that somehow, i have to settle this and shut this nagging feeling.

i don't wanna go there. 

CleanSlate

for the 1st time in how many months, my laughter was genuine again. and it felt good.

and when i heared it from him, i knew in my heart that we'll need to make this work.